Inevitable but Not Always Bad
Introduction: Conflict is Unavoidable
Conflict is a part of life. Whether in our families, churches, or personal relationships, disagreements are bound to arise. It’s easy to view conflict as something negative, something to avoid. But over the years, I’ve come to realize that conflict, when approached with the right mindset, can be a catalyst for growth and deeper understanding.
A quote I’ve often heard attributed to Charles Siburt is, “If you want to have less conflict, you’ve got to have more conflict.”
The truth is that conflict, when handled well, can strengthen relationships, clarify priorities, and foster unity. The key is learning to recognize the types of conflict, understanding its potential benefits, and choosing constructive ways to engage with it.
From Position to Interest
There is a fundamental move we should seek in times of conflict. This is the move from position to interest. When you are focused on your position, you are looking inward, thinking mostly about winning. Since much conflict comes from a place of scarcity, we tend to dig in our heels in order to be sure what’s important to us isn’t completely lost.
But in order to move toward a path to peacemaking, it is important that we can also see the other person or group as people, not merely as “the opposition.” Rather than focusing on our position, it helps when we talk about interests, and in particular, shared interests.
In a church context, for example, we can likely agree that (1) bringing honor to God is a highest priority, (2) the people we are serving alongside are important, and (3) the people we are trying to reach are important. These are things we all want. These are our interests. From here we can discuss where our other particular interests may differ.
Different Types of Conflict
Understanding the type of conflict you’re dealing with is the first step to responding wisely. Here are some of the most common general categories of conflict, along with examples of how they might play out.
1. Economic Conflict – When Resources Are Scarce
Economic conflict occurs when two or more parties compete for limited resources, whether financial, time-related, or material.
For example: The church’s annual budget meeting becomes tense when the children’s ministry and the missions committee both request additional funds. The children’s minister believes investing in younger generations is crucial, while the missions committee argues that reaching the lost is the church’s highest calling. The elders are caught in the middle as they try to allocate funds fairly.
2. Value Conflict – Clashing Beliefs and Principles
Value conflicts occur when people hold deeply held beliefs that are in opposition. These are often the most difficult conflicts to resolve because they are tied to identity, morality, and personal convictions.
There are a number of topics where church members could differ strongly, especially when they conclude that Scripture is the basis for what they are urging. Whether worship styles, leadership, or key ministry efforts, these discussions can become quite heated. All sides feel deeply convicted, and the discussion becomes emotional.
In a family setting, A father and his adult daughter disagree about how to raise her children. The father believes in strict discipline, while the daughter embraces a gentler, more understanding approach. Tensions rise when he criticizes her parenting in front of the grandchildren.
3. Power and Control Conflict – The Struggle for Influence
Power struggles often happen when one person or group tries to assert dominance over another, whether in leadership, decision-making, or influence.
Suppose an elder and a long-time deacon have different visions for the church’s outreach strategy. The elder wants structured programs with accountability, while the deacon believes in organic, relational evangelism. Instead of collaborating, they subtly undermine each other in meetings, creating division.
Or imagine a mother and her teenage son frequently argue about curfew. The mother sees it as a matter of safety and responsibility, while the son believes she’s being overly controlling. Their conversations often escalate into power struggles rather than productive discussions.
4. Interpersonal Conflict – Personality Clashes
Interpersonal conflict arises when people simply don’t get along due to differences in personality, communication styles, or past grievances. This can be especially challenging because the forces at work against each other may be entirely under the surface. I can’t possibly know about every person’s past history, trauma, or deeper motives. We can only learn these things through listening, and especially when conflict already exists, it’s hard to create spaces where people are willing to share such vulnerabilities.
This could look like two volunteers in the worship ministry consistently clashing. One is highly organized and values punctuality, while the other is more laid-back and creative. The structured volunteer sees the other as irresponsible, while the creative volunteer finds their teammate rigid and controlling.
5. Intercultural Conflict – When Cultural Norms Collide
Intercultural conflict happens when people from different backgrounds misunderstand or misinterpret each other’s behaviors, values, or communication styles.
A growing congregation has members from different cultural backgrounds. In some cultures, it is respectful to be indirect in disagreement, while in others, directness is valued. A misunderstanding occurs when a church leader from one background interprets a softly-worded suggestion as agreement, while another sees it as indecision.
A personal example I’ll share about intercultural conflict:
When I was preaching in Texas, one Sunday I had one of our church leaders approach me after worship. He was Caucasian, and by vocation a white-collared professional. He said, “Today, your content was good, but your delivery was just too much for me. You got intense, but you never backed down. I felt like I needed some relief as you went. It would have helped me if you would vary your intensity. Again, the stuff you said was great, but I thought your delivery needs some work.”
Not five minutes later, I had a different gentleman come up. He was Hispanic, and by vocation a blue-collared professional. He said, “Mark! That was the best sermon you’ve ever preached! You were so on fire and passionate! It got me excited and motivated. Thank you so much!”
Two cultures in the same audience at the same church. As much as we may think we want to be a multicultural church, the truth is that different cultures don’t always want the same thing, or define qualitative “good” or “bad” by the same standards. Of course, those were only two perspectives. If I asked each person there what they thought or what they wanted, the list of criteria would expand exponentially!
In that context, what would it mean for me to preach “good” sermons?
The Positive Side of Conflict
While unresolved or destructive conflict is harmful, healthy conflict can bring about positive change. Here’s how:
• Conflict fosters better ideas – Different perspectives can lead to more creative solutions.
• Conflict strengthens relationships – Overcoming disagreements together deepens trust.
• Conflict increases participation – When people feel heard, they are more engaged.
• Conflict reveals deeper issues – It can expose underlying problems that need to be addressed.
Throughout Scripture, we see conflict leading to God’s purposes. Acts 6 shows how a dispute in the early church led to better organization and leadership. Even Paul and Barnabas’ disagreement resulted in the gospel reaching more people.
Constructive vs. Destructive Conflict
Of course, even as conflict has the potential to lead to good things, conflict can also be damaging. The difference is in the goals we bring with us into a conflict.
| Constructive Conflict | Destructive Conflict |
|---|---|
| Focuses on issues | Focuses on people |
| Encourages dialogue | Leads to hostility |
| Seeks resolution | Seeks to “win” |
| Strengthens relationships | Damages relationships |
| Fosters understanding | Creates division |
The key to handling conflict well is self-awareness, patience, and humility. Instead of reacting impulsively, ask:
🔹 Am I seeking understanding, or just trying to win?
🔹 Am I listening to understand, or am I listening to respond?
🔹 Are we remembering to focus on shared priorities as we discuss differing ones?
🔹 Am I being sure to balance authority with collaboration? Is everyone being included rather than dominated?
🔹 Am I taking different personality and communication styles into account in what could be contributing to this problem?
🔹 Am I understanding whatever cultural dynamics might be in play here? Are we being appropriately adaptable in our solution-making?
Many factors can shape what our interests are. Most productive conflict solutions help us move from our position to our interests.
A Biblical Perspective on Conflict
Jesus Himself was no stranger to conflict. He challenged religious leaders, corrected his disciples, and confronted sin. Yet, in every hard situation, whether he was confronting or comforting someone at odds, his goal was always restoration, not destruction.
As Christians, we are called to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9), but that doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or functioning as someone else’s doormat. It means handling it in a way that brings clarity, reconciliation, and growth.
Conflict is not the enemy—how we handle it determines whether it becomes destructive or transformative.
How about you?
How have you seen conflict lead to growth in your church or family? Share your thoughts in the comments below! And stay tuned for the next post in this series, where we’ll explore the five levels of conflict and how to manage them effectively.
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