Defusing tension, building trust, and actually hearing one another
Listening Might Not Be What You Think It Is
Most of us think we’re good listeners. We nod. We let people talk. We wait until they’re finished… and then we make our point. But much of the time, we aren’t really listening—we’re just reloading. We’re forming our response while the other person is still talking.
I have long gotten tickled at Ambrose Bierce’s modernized definition of the word “conversation”:
“Conversation, n. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.”
It’s a great description of modern media and political discourse for sure! In conflict, that tendency to speak more than listen pours gas on the fire.
What we need is active listening—a way of engaging that doesn’t just wait for our turn to talk but creates space for understanding.
In church leadership, family conversations, ministry teams, and everyday life, learning to truly listen can lower the temperature, restore trust, and bring clarity to complicated conversations.
What Is Active Listening, Really?
Active listening is more than hearing someone’s words. It means:
✔ Paying attention with your mind, body, and heart
✔ Reflecting back what you hear to ensure you’ve understood
✔ Asking good questions that invite clarity and depth
✔ Setting aside your own agenda to make room for theirs
It’s not agreement—it’s honoring someone by making sure they’ve been heard. To feel seen, heard, and understood is humanizing and dignifying.
Why Active Listening Matters in Conflict
Conflict often escalates because people don’t feel heard.
And when people don’t feel heard, they stop trying to explain.
Instead, they start defending, accusing, withdrawing, or retaliating.
💡 Active Listening can help:
- A member shares a concern about the direction of worship, and the leader’s first response is to explain why they’re wrong. The member feels shut down and starts venting to others instead.
- A deacon feels overwhelmed but doesn’t speak up because they assume no one will listen. Resentment grows quietly, and eventually, they resign unexpectedly.
- A spouse expresses frustration about how time is spent at home, and the other quickly fires back with a list of their own complaints. The original issue is lost in the crossfire.
But when people feel heard: Walls come down. Emotions settle. And even if the conflict doesn’t disappear, you’ve created a pathway forward.
What Active Listening Looks Like (In Practice)
Here are some simple, powerful tools you can start using immediately:
1. Reflective Statements
“What I’m hearing you say is…”
“Let me see if I’ve got this right…”
Repeating or summarizing what someone has said shows respect and helps clarify miscommunication.
2. Curious Questions
“Can you say more about that?”
“What’s most important to you in this?”
“How long has this been bothering you?”
These kinds of questions signal that you’re not just trying to win—you’re actually trying to understand.
3. Watch Your Body Language
- Make eye contact
- Nod appropriately
- Put away distractions
- Lean in (literally and figuratively)
When your body is closed off or distracted, your words won’t matter.
4. Don’t Interrupt
Harder than it sounds. But let the silence hang if you need to. Some of the best insights come after the first wave of words. One of the most important aspects of a genuine conversation is that many people will add nuance to their own understanding merely by the practice of ordering their thoughts in order to articulate them. Letting another person have a safe space to think about what they’re saying can have a helpful clarifying effect, both for the speaker and for the listener.
How Active Listening Changes the Dynamic
✔ It builds trust, especially with people who feel overlooked or dismissed
✔ It de-escalates emotion, because being heard makes people feel safe
✔ It helps you get to the real issue, not just the surface-level complaint
💬 Example:
A church member complains that “the sermons are too long.” You could get defensive… or you could ask:
“What makes you feel that way?”
“Is it about the length, or is something else going on for you?”
And suddenly, the conversation shifts. Maybe it’s not the sermon length—it’s fatigue, burnout, or feeling spiritually disconnected.
Common Listening Pitfalls (And How to Avoid Them)
✖ Listening just to respond
Instead, pause after they finish. Take a breath before you speak.
✖ Thinking you already know what they’re going to say
Stay open. Don’t finish their sentences in your head.
✖ Using “yes, but…” too soon
Try “yes, and…” or wait until they’ve truly finished.
✖ Judging or correcting mid-conversation
There’s a time to clarify, correct, or teach. But active listening comes first.
Listening Like Jesus
Jesus was the master listener.
He asked good questions. He let people speak without rushing them. He saw beyond words to the heart. One of the great things about Jesus’ questions is that they often invited his conversation partner to dig deeply into their thoughts, feelings, and identity.
- Who do you say I am?
- What do you want me to do for you?
- Do you want to be well?
- Why are you afraid?
- Why do you call me good?
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” – James 1:19
We often think the goal of conflict is to fix something.
But sometimes the first step is to simply make someone feel known.
Listening Is a Ministry
Active listening doesn’t just help resolve conflict. It’s a gift you give people. Many times, the best thing you can do for another person isn’t to correct their thinking or suggest how they should solve their problems. All many people need is for another person to be with them as a non-anxious presence. Calm, connected, and compassionate.
In a noisy world full of hot takes and quick replies, to be truly heard is healing. So the next time conflict flares up—at home, in a staff meeting, or in your church—ask yourself:
✔ Am I really listening?
✔ What’s underneath what they’re saying?
✔ What does love require of me right now?
When has active listening made a difference in your relationships? Share your story in the comments!
Next in the series: Power Struggles in Leadership—Navigating Ego, Authority, and Shared Vision.
