Introduction: Conflict Is Inevitable—How You Handle It Makes All the Difference
If you’ve had the benefit of living in different parts of the world, you’ve likely discovered (1) that you have a conflict style and (2) that yours isn’t like everyone else’s. I am from Tennessee, a state full of peace-mongers. We will go to great lengths to avoid talking about what’s actually bothering us in the name of keeping things peaceful, or at least appearing that way. We more often talk around a problem rather than about a problem.
As a Tennesseean who went to work for a church in Texas, the first few times I went to Elders’ meetings, I had moments that took me completely off guard. They’d get animated, sometimes raising their voices, pushing back and expressing strong concerns about ideas, methods, and the best way to do things. Texans are direct; much more so than I was used to.
I would leave some meetings wondering what would become of things at church. Then the next day, the ones who had disagreed strongly would either be fishing or playing golf together, laughing and having a great time. Everything was fine and they were fine with each other. I was the one with different cultural conflict assumptions.
Over time, I never fully grew into a Texan in my style of conflict, but I became more blunt and gained an appreciation for the ways that directness and even some harsh disagreement can make long-term partnerships more feasible and healthy. Of course, directness has its downsides, too. Sometimes the gentler Tennesseean indirectness has helped me preserve peace and navigate potential landmines. It has certainly helped me get along well with a variety of people.
So how do we fight a good fight?
Which approach is right? As it turns out, that depends a lot on the nature of why you’re disagreeing and the kind of outcome that is especially important.
There are five major conflict resolution styles, and each one has its time and place. The key to handling conflict well is knowing:
- What your natural style is
- When your default approach helps and when it hurts
- How to adjust your approach to fit the situation
Five Styles of Conflict
The chart above is a helpful representation of the different styles. Notice there is an X-Axis which represents the importance of your relationship with the person/people with whom you disagree. Notice also a Y-Axis which represents the importance of the issue or topic over which you are disagreeing.
It is likewise possible to categorize these styles based on whether they are Assertive, such as those nearer the top, or Unassertive, like those nearer the bottom. They are also either Cooperative, on the right side, or Uncooperative, on the left side.
All of these things are worth considering. Isn’t it the case that some of the stuff we end up fighting over really isn’t that important? Isn’t it also true that sometimes the people with whom we are arguing aren’t super important to our life or wellbeing?
Why get in a knock-down, drag-out fight over which team should have won a 5-year-old’s tee ball game? The kids matter but you’ll likely never remember the game apart from any drama.
Why get in a huge fight with a random person who took your parking spot or cut you off in traffic? Not that all people don’t matter, but if it’s not a person who has a meaningful role to play in your life or someone you respect, it may be that this person really isn’t worth the emotional energy you’d be expending. For that matter, neither is the parking spot.
You can observe how, based on the importance of the person or the issue to you, you would be wise to adjust your approach to conflict in a way that makes sense. None of the five is the “best” approach, because all are appropriate some of the time.
A Breakdown of the Five Styles
1. The Competitive Style (I Win, You Lose)
Some people approach conflict like a competition. They want to win, and they aren’t afraid to argue their point until they do. There are obvious ways where this can be counterproductive because your Christian family is your family, not your competition. But there are also situations where the matter of discussion, such as our children’s safety, is an important enough issue that it is worth putting above our relationship with another person if necessary.
✔ When This Style Works Well:
- When quick, decisive action is needed.
- When core convictions are at stake (doctrinal issues, ethical concerns).
- When someone is being mistreated, and strong leadership is required to set things right.
✖ When This Style Causes Problems:
- When relationships matter more than “winning.”
- When collaboration could lead to a better solution.
- When it creates unnecessary division.
2. The Avoidant Style (Lose-Lose)
Some people hate conflict so much that they just pretend it isn’t happening. They ignore problems, hoping they’ll go away on their own. In some circumstances, the healthy approach is to be able to say, “That’s really not my problem, not someone of whose life I need to take ownership, and not a situation of great importance to me. I’m going to step back from this one.”
Dale Carnegie has advocated in How To Win Friends And Influence People that the best approach to conflict is to avoid it entirely. If your goal is to be likable, that often might help. But sometimes there are things more important than being likable.
💡 Examples in the Church:
- A member spreads gossip about the minister, but no one addresses it because they “don’t want to stir the pot.”
- Members involved in a ministry have strong concerns about a major decision, but rather than talk to anyone about what’s bothering them, they claim everything is fine and then quietly pull back and begin church shopping.
✔ When This Style Works Well:
- When the issue is minor and not worth the fight.
- When emotions are running high and everyone needs time to cool off.
✖ When This Style Causes Problems:
- When real issues fester and grow worse.
- When avoiding conflict creates resentment or division.
- When leadership fails to address harmful behavior.
3. The Accommodating Style (I Lose, You Win)
Some people handle conflict by giving in. They prioritize keeping the peace over getting their way. This is different from Avoidance because in Avoidance, there is a severing of relationships. In Accommodating, a relationship will stay intact. This is when I look at a situation that’s bothering me and the person with whom I am disagreeing, and I decide that the person is important enough to me that I’m willing to get over the issue.
✔ When This Style Works Well:
- When the relationship matters more than the issue.
- When you don’t feel strongly and letting it go is the best option.
- When it’s an opportunity to serve others selflessly.
✖ When This Style Causes Problems:
- When you always give in, even when you shouldn’t.
- When it enables toxic behavior.
- When important concerns never get voiced.
4. The Compromising Style (Win Some, Lose Some)
Compromise finds the middle ground—nobody gets exactly what they want, but everyone gets something. It’s in the middle of the chart, because it has a little of everything. Both the people and the issues are important, but not of enough significance to elevate one above the other.
💡 Example in the Church:
- The worship team and the congregation disagree on music styles. Instead of fighting over it, they blend hymns and contemporary songs.
- Two small groups want to meet at the same time in the same space. They agree to alternate weeks instead.
✔ When This Style Works Well:
- When both sides have valid points.
- When quick resolution is needed.
- When a balanced solution is possible.
✖ When This Style Causes Problems:
- When one side gives up too much.
- When it’s used to avoid tough but necessary conversations.
- When it creates short-term fixes instead of real solutions.
5. The Collaborative Style (Win-Win)
Collaboration takes the best ideas from both sides and works toward a creative, mutually beneficial solution. It takes more time and effort, but it builds trust, unity, and lasting solutions.
💡 Example in the Church:
- The church needs more space but doesn’t want debt. Instead of choosing between a new building or doing nothing, they find a way to expand with minimal costs.
- A staff member and elder disagree on priorities, so they brainstorm solutions that meet both needs.
✔ When This Style Works Well:
- When relationships matter.
- When a long-term solution is needed.
- When people are willing to work together.
✖ When This Style Causes Problems:
- When time is limited and a quick decision is needed.
- When people aren’t open to collaboration.
- When it’s used as an excuse to delay action.
What’s Your Default Conflict Style?
Every person naturally leans toward one or two of these styles. Some people fight to win. Some people shy away from conflict. Others always look for a middle ground. None of these styles are inherently right or wrong—it all depends on the situation. The key is knowing when to use each one wisely.
Which conflict resolution style do you default to? How has it helped or hurt in the past? Drop a comment below!
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