One of my dearest friends and spiritual mentors, Virgil Fry, has helped to comfort grieving people for all of his laudable career, leading and working with Lifeline Chaplaincy. He’s written some wonderful books to share with people grieving or facing illnesses. A few years ago, he shared with me a list of ways that we can respond to people who are in a place of crisis that are helpfully nuanced from the typical things people might say. It is originally printed in his book Rekindled: Warmed By Fires of Hope.
Some Alternative Responses to Support Someone in Crisis
| Instead of: | Try: |
| It’s probably not as bad as it seems. | What helps you get through tough times? |
| Just pray harder. | Are there spiritual resources I can help you with? |
| You shouldn’t dwell on the negative. | It’s hard to find anything good at times like this, isn’t it? |
| I don’t understand why you’re so upset. | Help me understand what you’re going through. |
| The more you talk about it, the worse you’ll feel. | Let me be your sounding board for a while. |
| Don’t you know it could always be worse? | It probably seems very overwhelming to you right now. |
| You’ve got to keep smiling and looking for the positive. | I’m impressed that you’re able to keep going. |
| Where’s your faith? | Sometimes our faith journey takes mysterious routes, doesn’t it? |
| Everything happens for a good purpose. | Right now it’s probably hard to see any good coming out of this. |
| Just count your blessings. | In spite of everything, you seem to have much going for you. |
| You need to stay busy with other things. | May I help you talk through your options? |
| Here’s a professional counselor you should call. | Would you consider seeking additional help? |
| I know lots of people who’ve dealt with that. | Sometimes it helps to find some others who have survived the same thing. |
| You know we’re not supposed to ask why. | Isn’t it amazing how many people of faith also struggled with why? |
What have you found is a helpful thing to hear when you are struggling?
Robert I is starting a bible class on dealing with grief. I forwarded your blog to him. I appreciate these thoughts since I often don’t know the words to say. It’s very helpful to have some ideas. Thank you Mark.